The Most Awesomazing Fanfic Ever
by Team-Awesomeazing
Summary: A totally serious Kingdom Hearts fanfic. Complete with yaoi, dying fangirls, My-Little-Ponies, and negligent parents!
1. Epic Chapter 1

THE MOST AWESOMAZIEST FANFIC WRITTEN EVA!11111 ~written by Samuel and Sky~ (professionally.)

_  
>Special Thanks to:<br>Sky for censoring every swear word cause she's just innocent like that.  
>And Sam for totally not censoring.<br>_

EPIC CHAPTER ONE

ONCE UPON A REALLY AWESOME TIME...

Sora was dared to rent the entire 'Twilight" saga from Blockbuster. And watch it. Alone. All by himself. In his room. That was in his house... that belonged to his parents who he didn't give a s*** about, like, EVAR (which is pretty much an instinctual feeling for all the families in this particular world. It must be something in the water treatment...)

Sora was excited to get on with his dare, so he rushed home faster than usual today. He did his daily routine of slamming open the door, kicking his parents unmercilessly until they fell unconscious on the kitchen tiles, stealing a bag of potato chips from the snacks cabinet and skipping up the stairs to his awesome bedroom that was decorated with posters of Backstreet Boys, Care Bears, and a ton of other Disney-approved stuff.

"Did you like how I redid the kitchen tiles?" one of his parents nervously called from downstairs.

"SHUTTUP AND MAKE ME A SAMMICH OR I'LL GO ALL KEYBLADE ON YO A**, DADDY."

"Kay hun."

With that out of the way, Sora put on his first DVD, the one called Twilight.

Five minutes into the movie he couldn't help but marvel at the beautiful development and creativity put into the main character, Bella Swan. So sulky and hypocritical and self (as well as non-self) loathing, yet always with that look of regal dullness on her face. Why, this movie was a masterpiece! What were the silly kids at his school talking about anyway?

However, a couple minutes after his parent-slaves brought him his daily sandwich and smoothie, Sora found himself choking on his sammich bite. For all of a sudden, he saw the most amazing scene on the FREAKING PLANET.

... Never had he known that Robert Pattinson could look so HAWT with GLITTER all over his PALE, BLOODLESS BODY.

It was the TURN-ON OF THE CENTURY.

Halfway into the movie he was bawling his eyes out for how SO FREAKING LUCKY BELLA WAS TO HAVE A HAWT MAN LIEK DAT.

Edward was so PERFECTO~. He was pale, sparkly, had deep amber eyes of (completely original) EMO DOOM, and had a (completely original) unique darkside that made him a (completely original) unique badboy character. Not to mention, YOU DIDN'T NEED A PERSONALITY FOR HIM TO LOVE YOU.

SUCH AN UNJUDGING AND CONTROLLING HAWT-MAN.

But as Sora BAWWWED through the rest of the Twilight Saga DVDs, his pre-approved Disney brain (and the deep-down feminine part of him that had been hinted at using the character Xion) was slowly coming to a realization that was finally consciously realized as he watched wolf-Jacob getting his furry butt pwned by the Volturi.

He ALREADY had a hawt-boy with a darkside and emo doom.

And without even bothering to take out the DVD, Sora ran out of his bedroom, flew down the stairs, b****-slapped his father and punched his mother in the face (both for good luck) before sprinting out the door and hopefully into his would-be lover's arms.

He ran out.

In completely original slow-motion.

Into the blinding daylight.

Beautiful petals of pink and green and sparkledog rainbow fluttered around him in the wind stereotypically as he ran for the figure sitting at the beach shore. He was TOTALLY Sora's DREAMY SOUL MATE MAN. Sure his SKIN may not be pale, but his HAIR sure made up for that and that was A-OKAY.

"I FREAKING WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUV YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU~~~~~"

And that fortunate/unfortunate person turning around to face Sora was...

Donald. What was Donald doing there he wondered. And where was Goofy.

HEY GOOFY LETS GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE yelled Donald, who apparently now had black feathers or something. BUNCH OF FAGGOTS UP IN MAH GRILL DAWG.

LOLOLOLOL OKAY BRAH. LEZ GET OUTTA DIS. Yelled Goofy, who, too, became black or something. Yeah. Suddenly a giant light appeared and Donald and Goofy vanished before Rule 34 could take effect.

OH SHIT. Sora said to himself. Where could he be?

Right behind you~ said a deep voice. Sora suddenly had a sudden hard on. It was epic.

"Riku, MAH FREAKEN' HERO 333333"

Yaoi romansu filled the air.

Emo-man Riku then held Sora's rectangular video-game hands in his own.

"LET US GET MARRIED, MY PRECIOUS FAG."  
>"OKAY!... right after we bang?"<p>

"Sure."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"

And then they had sex. And it was hawt. I would go into the magnificent details, but that would make this fanfiction adult rated or something, and that'd be no fun.

Anyway, all the Yaoi fangirls watched in awe as their dreams came true. There were hordes of the creatures, trying to get a view of what they dreamed of seeing. Then a meteor came down and smited them. And it was epic. Almost as epic as the hawt sex Sora and Riku were having. Cause that was hawt and epic.

After the sex happened, Sora and Riku cuddled on the burnt bodies of fangirls.

"I love you Riku," said Sora, his face all shota-esque.

"I love you my precious fag," said Riku, with sunglasses on, a cane, and everything. He was a god damn pimp. And it was hawt.

"Sora?" yelled a voice. "We need you to return the DVDs," said the voice of Sora's Mom.

And Sora was all like "SHUT THE FUCK UP MOTHER I JUST GOT BANGED BY A HOT EMO DUDE AND YOUR TELLING ME TO GO RETURN SOME DVDS AND SHIT FUCK YOU GO MAKE US BOTH SOME SAMMICHES SINCE WE'RE GETTING MARRIED OR ELSE I'M NOT GOING TO INVITE YOU TO THE WEDDING!" He yelled at his mother. "Alright!" Yelled back the voice. "Better than normal" thought Sora to himself. 


	2. Epic Chapter 2

EPIC CHAPTER 2

"Wtf married?" said some undesired GIRL voice behind them.

Sora and his newfound pimp were eating Sora's mom's sammiches when they turned around to see Kairi, the designated third side of the love triangle (according to the official storyline.) ... Now she was just the third wheel. Heck yes. And she was holding a wedding invitation in her hand.

"YEAH, WE GETTIN' MARRIED KAIRI. YOU WANNA BE OUR FLOWER GIRL~?"

Now Kairi had always expected Sora to eventually ask her a question involving marriage but THIS

THIS WAS NOT WHAT SHE EXPECTED. OH HELL NU.

She got down on her knees Darth Vader style and stretched her arms to the sky, screeching a lengthy "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!111ONE!1 DOOOO NUT WANNNTTTTTTT"

"... U mad?" the pimp-dark-emo-man Riku said with genuine surprise.

Because of all these characters' Japanese descent, Kairi was able to angrily thwack the side of Riku and Sora's heads, knocking off Riku s amazing hawt pimp hat, before stamping off and bawwing the entire time... all in FREAKING ANIME STYLE. Cause, you know, Japanese descent.

"WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA HAVE A GIRL TALK OR SOMETHING AFTER THIS?" called out Sora in anguish.

"F***TARD I'M GOING FOR A DRINK."

And with that Kairi went to the FREAKING BAR.

AYE, BAR . GUY .. GIMME YOUR STRONGEST, a depressed now-third-wheel Kairi slurred to the bartender before her for the fifteenth time that night.

So, yeah. Kairi was at the bar now, gettin drunk because apparently the two guys who had been fighting over her for years had suddenly decided to DITCH HER FOR YAOI-NESS. WHICH WAS LIKE, REALLY MEAN OF DEM.

You know, logic tells me I shouldn t be serving a 16 year old girl her fifteenth shot for the night but hey, since when did adults OR children give a flying s*** about each other on this island?~ the bartender said rather cheerfully. I LL GO GET ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU, LITTLE ADORABLE DRUNK GIRL. And so he skipped into the back of his store to get more vodka.

Meanwhile, a now drunken Kairi was taking off her tank-top and jeans because it was getting REALLY HOT IN HERE, and besides, that one baseball player on the poster in the other side of the room seemed to be checking her out. She might as well HELP HIM OUT, Y KNOW? Hai thar sexy~ You wanna make some paper babiez?

Just then, Organization XIII strolled into the bar because Saix was on an emotional high after being chosen as the top drag queen in his tournament. And so, as a reward for all his homeys support, he was taking them out for a nice refreshing alcoholic intake in the middle of the night. Which was something they could afford to do, since, you know, THEY DIDN T NEED CARS TO GET AROUND.

And that s when they saw a half-undressed Kairi making out with a baseball athlete s poster. Wtf.

"Ya know, I TOLD you we shoulda gone to Denny's..." said an awkward Xigbar. "They don't got the insane ones..."

Saix, meanwhile, was not being his straight-faced self. But ya know, he was a drag queen. With no emotions. But he loves hearts. A lot. A LOT. Especially hearts that are moon-like. That turns him on so much.

Axel was making glances at Roxas, who had gotten kicked out of Sora's body due to not being "Dark and edgy" enough for him to care about.

-Meanwhile-

"Oh Rik-" and then the rest was censored. Cause we can't show sexual stuff. That's too much writing. But as you can tell, Sora and Riku are doing the obvious stuff. Now back to the story!

-Back To The Actual Stuff-

Vexen was being all smug with himself, and took out his ice shield. Marluxia later used said shield as a mirror. Because Marluxia must always look perfect.

Taking a seat, Luxord and Demyx started a poker game. Strip Poker. We'll get back to them at a later point.

Meanwhile the rest of the organization was quite enthralled by Kairi's slutty performance. After all, the only girl they knew was Larxene (since Marluxia couldn't REALLY count) and she was too b****y for them to really WANT to bang her anyway, and who WANTED to bang Marluxia when practically everyone in the org. was allergic to flower pollen?

Upon analyzing all these facts, the organization made a decision.

Saix pulled Kairi's face from the poster and stared into her eyes. "WOMAN IS YOUR HEART MOON-FLAVORED?"

"It can be anything you want it to be~" slurred Kairi, under the impression that her baseball make-out boyfriend had come to life.

Hearing this, Saix slung the drunk half-naked girl over his shoulder and ran to the bat mobile- I MEAN BLACK PORTAL OF DOOM- calling out to the rest of his homies.

"GAIZ WE GOT A GURL TO BANG NOW LET'S RUN OFF BEFORE THE ADULTS HERE ACTUALLY DO START TO CARE ABOUT THEIR OFFSPRING."

So everyone DID THAT. 


	3. Epic Chapter 3

EPIC CHAPTER 3

Now that everyone was back at home-sweet-castle, the organization threw Kairi (who's slutty nature had fully awakened) into a new room designated as the "F*** KAIRI ROOM."

And because the Organization is nice, they made sure to take turns GETTING THE HELL IN THERE TO BANG KAIRI while Larxene and Marluxia sort of cried all dejectedly in a corner.

Mainly Marluxia. Larxene kinda laughed at him in between her sobs. Marluxia was pretty enough, or so he thought. Why did everyone hate flowers anyway he always wondered.

"IT'S NOT " sobbed Marluxia. For the next few hours.

Meanwhile, Axel was still making glances at Roxas. As the f*** Kairi line began to take longer and longer, it was becoming more annoying for people on the higher level to really get in. Luckily, Luxord and Demyx were off playing their strip poker or what not. Apparently Xaldin decided to join them or whatnot. However, it was still really long for Axel and Roxas, who were both at the end of the line. "After waiting for what felt like an eternity, Roxas just yelled out to Axel, "TAKE ME NOW," and Axel grabbed him and ran off. Fangirls swarmed the World That Never Was, trying to get a peek at the yaoi. They were all eaten alive by heartless and darkness and what not.

Meanwhile, back to the Kairi line. It was finally Saix's turn. And it practically never ended. It was epically hawt.

-Meanwhile-

"Royal Flush." said Luxord, throwing his hand down. He grinned, feeling triumphant as usual about his amazing gambling abilities. He never got a bad hand, and never had to cheat. He always had the luck of the draw.

"Oh come on..." said Demyx, half-naked. "That's the fifth win in a row for you..." The lazy musician sighed. His face was red from wearing practically nothing in front of the gambler. Not to mention the fact that he was doing this in front of Xaldin of all people. "Why couldn't it be the Roxas boy..." he thought to himself. "He would've been all innocent about this..." His thoughts distracted him from the fact that he had just lost ANOTHER hand. "Demyx..." said a voice. He opened his eyes, only to be greeted by Luxord. "You lost another hand... You know what that means..." Demyx turned really red at this. "I am NOT taking off ALL my clothes..." Luxord sighed. And that's enough for the heavily detailed actual fan-fic shit . Back to actual interesting things!

-Back To The Awesome S***-

Meanwhile, Xion had come in just in time to see Axel and Roxas running off to go bang each other and she was like "HAWT." Apparently Sora's body rejected her too cause she was 40% short of dark edgy-ness. Upon seeing the line of people waiting to screw Kairi, and seeing her two bestest fwiends about to go screw each other, she got AN IDEA.

Just then, some random new person came out of nowhere and rushed up to the "F*** KAIRI" line, and everyone was freaking out and squealing in joy because it was their WONDERFUL CREEPY DOLL FRIEND, XION. The entire organization was flailing over the miracle.

"HAI LIL' MISS CHUCKY~"

"XION WASSUP"

"IT'S BEEN FOREVA, GURL, HOW YA BEEN"

... before she cut the line, that is.

And also shut the glass door (yes the drunken Kairi was in a room with a see-through door) and then proceeded to **** Kairi herself after kicking Saix out.

Normally everyone would have been real pissed about missing their turn, but they soon realized that lezbo banging was still just as hawt even when the other partner was, you know, A DOLL EXPERIMENT THING.

So everyone STARTED TO CHEER WITH JOY AND MAKE WHISTLES AND STUFF AS THEY WATCHED, and even Marluxia got swept up with all the excitement and rushed out of his emo corner to THROW HAPPY PINK FLOWER PETALS AROUND AT ALL TEH HAWTNESS, making everyone sneeze.

And in honor of all dis hawt homo banging going around, Xemnas held a meeting in the high-a** chair room that very same night.

Everyone was still sweating from all teh HAWT SECKS from earlier and panting from all the energy it took, but hey they were feelin' pretty high. Kairi and Xion were sitting in random lawn chairs that had been pulled out of the storage room.

"WE ARE HEREBY GATHERED TODAY TO DISCUSS OUR NEW PURPOSE IN LIFE," squeed Xemnas with excitement. "FROM NOW ON, WE SHALL NOT BE ORGANIZATION XIII, BUT... wait for it..."

Everyone leaned forward in anticipation.

"Hang on... let me think..." He pulled out a small notebook and started jotting down ideas. "Wait... Wait..."

Everyone leaned in closer. Xigbar fell off his chair due to lack of DEPTH PERCEPTION (HAH).

"F***ING. ORGY. 13."

Dey all cheered.

"AND IN HONOR OF OUR OLD NAME," Saix added, "WE WILL HOLD THIRTEEN ORGIES EVERY. EFFING. NIGHT. GIVE A BRUTHA A CHEER?"

AND EVERYONE FREAKING CHEERED CAUSE LIKE, DIS WAS AWESOME. The castle would never be the same again.

And then, when they thought the night couldn't get ANY FREAKING BETTER...

Everyone played laser tag! Yeah, Laser Tag. In a fan-fic. You got a problem with that? HUH? Well, they played it with Xigbar (Hawt)'s gun things... so at least it was ACTUAL lasers! Demyx, Xaldin, and Luxord were still gambling or something, so they missed out on all the fun!

-Meanwhile-

"Riku, we need more friends!" said Sora. "I'm lonely and stuff!"

"Fuck no, bitch!" Said Pimp-Riku. "Now make me a sandwich!" He put his pimp hat and sunglasses back on. Just because he was that epic.

"Fine... only if later you-*The rest of the sentence is censored due to you most likely NOT BEING INTO THAT KIND OF STUFF* -Again!" Said Sora, with his shota-esque face.

"FINE BITCH. NOW MAKE ME DAT SANDWICH!" Yelled Riku, whose pimp hat fell off his head in his anger. "NOW!" And he gave a sexy "I-luv-you" death stare.

And as the two walked away hand-in-hand, Riku's hat finally fell to the sandy ground, erupting in an explosive fiery three foot radius of sheer concentrated pimp-anger.

(Sora later got his friends when Riku captured several Disney protagonists from the other worlds and chained them in the backyard as his first monthly anniversary gift to Sora. The next anniversary gift was a pony. And it was made of god damn friendship.)  
> <p>


	4. Epic Chapter 4

EPIC CHAPTER 4

~Five Months Later~

Kairi was enjoying her life at Orgy 13. There was all sorts of fun things to do, like sex, banging, and more sex! Plus, allll the sea-salt ice cream you could eat!

Because she was feeling left out by her two other identical triplets, Namine had also joined Xion and Kairi in Orgy 13 and was having quite the blast. (and stuff?)

Every day they banged and banged and stuff, but she felt weird. She kept getting fatter everyday. Was probably all the ice-cream. It was her secondary food source (Her other was a whiteish liquid). But whatever. It'd blow over eventually.

But it didn t. And after having a talk with Luxord, SHE FOUND OUT WHY.

"Lalalalala~" said Sora, riding his GOD-DAMN PONY. Which was being carried by Disney characters. Riku rode behind him on Rainbow Dash, wearing a Spanish outfit and holding a red rose between his pimp-jaws.

"HEY GAAAAAAIIIIIZ," said a sudden voice in the distance, and Sora and Riku brought their friendship ponies to a halt to face the newcomer. Sora gave a squee as he recognized his childhood friend, Kaireh! And daaaaaang she was FAT.

Sora wondered if she had finally gotten around to eating her parents alive like she had always said she would (cause, you know, the chemicals in this island's water and all.)

Having not forgotten how Kairi had parted from them, Riku kept his hand to his pimp-hat protectively.

Sora ran up and glomped Kairi. "KAIRI HAIIII, ME AND RIKU GOT MARRIIIEEEED~"

"AND I GOT PREGNANT~"

"... omg srsly?"

"Yep!" said Kairi rather cheerfully. "And Imma name teh baby Xemnas-Xaldin-Demyx-Xigbar-Lexaeus-Vexen-Zexion-Saix-Marluxia-Luxord Junior! And if it's a girl, Xemnas-Xaldin-Demyx-Xigbar-Lexaeus-Vexen-Zexion-Saix-Marluxia-Luxord Juniorette!"

"Ohhh I get it!" exclaimed Sora in an extremely homo-happy voice. "To show how much you care for all your new friends RIGHT?"

"Well it was more like a last solution since I don't know who the father is but YEAH THAT TOO!"

Kairi, Orgy 13, Sora and all his Disney slaves (as well as the friendship ponies) all then had a celebratory group hug. Riku then joined the group hug, his pimpness flowing through everyone and making the group hug all the more epic.

So epic in fact that everyone started glowing. "Um Riku..." said Kairi. "I think your cane is irradiated.." she said wide-eyed.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP WOMAN. MAH CANE IS AWESOME." Said Riku. "ONLY 12 PEOPLE HAVE GOTTEN CANCER AND DIED. BUT WE GOT CURE MAGIC, WHICH KILLS TUMORS. SO WE KOOL DAWG."

The epicness levels were rapidly gaining. "Riku, let's go [have sex]!" said Sora, shota-esque as normal.

"HOLD UP WAT?" exclaimed Kairi suddenly, and everyone in the group hug (except Riku with all his pimpness) backed away because they instinctively recognized the 'angry pregnant woman' tone. "YOU'RE COMIN' ALL UP IN OUR FACES HUGGIN' US AND SHIZ, AND YOU DON'T EVEN CARE THAT YOUR IRRADIATED CANE HANDS OUT TUMORS LIKE TIGER WOODS GIVES OUT AIDS? I'm PREGNANT, BY-ATCH. And I am NOT gonna have little Xemnas-Xaldin-Demyx-Xigbar-Lexaeus-Vexen-Zexion-Saix-Marluxia-Luxord Junior/Juniorette ARRIVE INTO THIS WORLD WITH A BUNCH OF TUMORS ON HIS FACE CAUSE UNCLE RIKU COULDN'T PUT DOWN HIS G**D*MN TOXIC CANE FOR ONE F***ING MOMENT-"

At this point everyone's brains automatically blocked out the angry pregnant woman speech, and Sora and Riku ran off to bang each other in their tree-house while Orgy 13's group went off to hold one of their daily orgies. The friendship ponies, and Sora's Disney-protagonist slaves, went off to play a game of go-fish.

Yeah.

Go fish.

Hint: It may or not have been Strip Go Fish.

HintHint: Kairi may or may not have given up on her rant and decided to spectate said strip game.

Anyway, as part of their family/friend/orgy reunion, the entire gang rented a GIANT HELICOPTER TO CRUISE ON FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR, cause cruising on ships is just so lame these days. Laaaame.

And their first stop? DESTINY ISLANDS' BAR.

And you know why?

Cause five freaking months later, Demyx, Luxord, and Xaldin were STILL playing poker.

At the very least they hadn't come back. And Luxord had all the god damn money. And Demyx had all the CDs. And you know how younger woman can be without their pop crap.

But when they went to the bar, it was gone. "WHAT THE -"  
>yelled Kairi in anguish, remembering her long-lost baseball player poster boyfriend.<p>

"Look up." said Xigbar, rolling his EYE (HAH.). The bar was floating. On 6 floating spears. Whatever was happening in there, it had to be discovered...

Sora whipped out his fancy shmancy keyblade (to enable him to jump up there all epicly and gravity-defying like he always does), and everyone gasped and ooed and awwed in wonder, for his keyblade was now adorned with little tiny key chains fashioned after rainbows, unicorns, Bittersweet Candy Bowl, and Care Bears. It was epic.

So he leaped up there IN ALL HIS HOMO GLORY, while Riku whipped out his own keyblade, which emanated an epic aura that only a REAL pimp could take. And he levatated after his lover in EPIC PIMP GLORY.

What they found there amazed them to such an extent, nobody expected what they found...

=TO BE CONTINUED= 


End file.
